Did You Hear? Gossip Is Old News

Growing up in a church where you are expected to live up to high standards, it is easy to become a people-pleaser. In the church I grew up in, the Laestadian Lutheran Church, the pressure to meet the church's guidelines was high, which meant if I went against social norms, I could be the talk of the town. This is not an exaggeration. It doesn't feel good to be the topic of gossip but it can please our flesh to be the one gossiping. No matter the situation, it does more harm than good. Below, I will share my personal experiences with gossiping, the experiences of a friend, how it can affect others, and how we should treat one another as Christians and as fellow humans in general.  

What Is Gossip?

Gossip is defined in the Cambridge Dictionary as: “conversation or reports about other people’s private lives that might be unkind, disapproving, or not true.” How many of us have knowingly or unknowingly partaken in gossip? Probably every one of us to one extent or another if we are being entirely honest with ourselves. We all make bad decisions and do things that hurt others either directly or indirectly, because we are human, but that doesn't excuse our behavior.

My Experience

I will be first to admit I am not perfect and I have failed time and time again by accidentally offending or intentionally treating others with disrespect. When I attended the LLC, I would look at other church members and think I could judge their salvation based on their appearance. I would talk to my friends about what I had noticed, whether someone had dyed their hair or looked like they were wearing makeup at church. For example, I have a specific memory of being at church and seeing someone I know personally, noticing their dyed hair, and asking the person next to me if they had noticed it, too. Did they think this person was still believing? That visual cue, her dyed hair, would lead me to believe otherwise because someone who was correctly believing wouldn’t partake in such worldly things. Meanwhile, I was no better - living a double life and going to the movies, listening to “worldly” music, and socializing with non-members but somehow it didn't matter as much because I didn’t do anything to alter my appearance. I was a better believer. But who am I to think I have the wisdom to determine whether another person has the right heart or not? Who am I to judge their spiritual decisions and the lifestyle they choose for themselves, especially based on something as minor as their appearance?

It was probably because of my own tendencies to gossip and speculate about other peoples' faith that I constantly worried about what others were thinking of me but this also seems to be a common trend in the LLC, this fear. Looking back to that time, I was acutely aware of how others were failing to live by the LLC “guidelines,” which made it easier to forget that I was living a double life. I always went to church but on the inside, I was an outsider. I knew I wouldn’t be accepted by other members if they knew what I believed and how lenient I was about the guidelines set by the church. Isn’t it funny how we see ourselves reflected back to us in other people? I was worried about them when I should have been worried about myself and the state of my own heart and soul. I didn’t even truly believe in Jesus, yet I was worried about whether or not some lady in the LLC was believing? I am a firm believer that we gossip because we are insecure in ourselves and it provides temporary relief to tear someone else down or to nitpick their life.

Experiences In the Church

I had someone message me about an experience they had with some ladies in the church who have a tendency to gossip a lot. She told me her friend called to let her know she was being discussed at church by some ladies because she follows my Fundamentally Free page on Instagram. This same friend also said she wishes she could freely comment on my posts but isn't able to because of the gossip and judgment that would happen as a result. Apparently LLC members watch my page like hawks, looking to see who is following me and probably reading my posts to have more things to discuss (this is my speculation, based off of my own experiences in the church). This is normal and accepted in the LLC to watch others and keep tabs on who may be straying from the church's guidelines. After sharing all of this with me, my friend said "where it really becomes confusing and damaging is, [...] people from church are [who] we are SUPPOSED to feel the most content and happy around and that is not the case. I hear it from SO many people. We're supposed to only really associate with these people yet they gossip so badly about everyone and everything."

I can confirm this to be true. I am not saying everyone gossips and judges but it is a known fact that many do. I can't begin to count how many comments and messages I have received from ex-members sharing their fears and experiences with gossip and judgment. They know people will be talking about the fact that they pierced their ears or are wearing makeup after leaving and are afraid of what everyone will think. To be frank, this fear should not exist amongst church members and it is a result of a toxic culture and environment. Once again, I am not saying every member is this way but this problem is too common and normal to ignore. I am not saying we should be perfect but that we should at least strive to be more Christ-like and focus on loving rather than gossiping and judging. This is not only an issue in the LLC, either, it's a frequent occurence in all Laestadian branches. Gossip does not create a warm and inviting community, instead it causes hurt, pain, and division and destroys trust amongst community members.

Instruction On How To Treat Others

Jesus teaches us to love one another as He loved us. As His followers, this is what we should be striving for. Loving others does not only include how we treat them directly but how we talk about them when they are not around. It is important to consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed and a group of church members were talking about you and questioning whether you are truly believing or not. Would you want them to talk about their concerns to other people or come to you directly? I use this example because this is the most common situation where gossiping occurs in the LLC. I can guarantee every one of us would want to be approached directly rather than be at the mercy of others and their rumors or speculations. In writing all of this, I can’t help but think of the age-old adage, “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” The verse this was translated from is “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.” Luke 6:31 This is the Golden Rule and the second greatest commandment. Jesus taught that the first greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. Apostle Paul explains how we should love others in his letter to the Corinthians. 

“ 4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all thing, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

To love others requires us to be selfless and focus on the good in others. Of course, rebuking one another and being a brother's keeper is another a form of love but that does not include talking about them to others. If we are concerned about someone's faith, we should approach them directly. Gossiping causes division and contention which is what the enemy wants and is not a good foundation for loving others. Love builds others up, sometimes even at the expense of ourselves. Love is not prideful or self-righteous. Love is humble, Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not spreading rumors. Love does not focus on another person's sins. Love does not nitpick someone else's life and salvation. Every one of us is in need of grace and not one of us is better than the next. My weakness may be vanity but yours may be self-righteousness and pride, some are just not as visible as others. We are all equal and should strive to encourage each other in our walk of faith, rather than focus on where others have fallen.

This brings to mind the story from the Bible of the woman who was caught in adultery. Jesus was in the temple at the mount of Olives when the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman who had been caught in adultery. According to Moses' law, she should have been stoned for her sin. They tried to tempt Jesus and find fault in Him by asking what they should do with the woman. Jesus stooped to write on the ground as if He hadn't heard them, choosing not to respond. They continued pestering Jesus, so finally He said, "He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone" John 8:1-11 And then went back to writing on the ground. Everyone left because of course, none was without sin.

I think this is a good lesson to all of us. We can choose to focus on everyone else's faults and ignore our own but when it comes down to it, none of us is perfect. Not wearing makeup or going to the movies does not make someone better than the church member sitting next to them who chooses to take part in those activities. Yes, we can choose to speculate about whether someone is a true "believer" or not, based off of their actions, but is that really our place to judge? If you want to know where a person's heart is, go and ask. Please don't go talking to everyone but them about what they are and aren't doing because it will not serve them or you if you are truly concerned. If you want to help a brother or sister in faith, go and talk to them personally. And if you are just looking for gossip because somehow that makes you feel better about yourself, I would challenge you to examine your heart. Where are you lacking? Do you need love? Support? Friendship? It is when we feel a sense of lack or have low self-esteem that we tend to focus on the flaws of others. Whatever you see in others (the people you are gossiping about) that bothers you or that you feel the need to judge is a direct reflection of something in you.

I speak from personal experience, having struggled with gossiping. It was a weakness of mine for many years. I was always worried about everyone else and what they were doing with their lives but in the end, I was the one that needed the most help. I was lacking a real relationship with Jesus who is a great role model for how I should love others. Now, I have guidance and my heart has been changed through the time I have spent with God, reading the Bible, learning and growing. It doesn't feel good to gossip about and judge others anymore, in fact it offends something inside of me, and I see now how I wasted a lot of energy that could have been spent on building healthier, more fulfilling connections. We can always make the choice to change and love others better.

We all need reminders from time to time to check ourselves and our intentions and that is okay and part of what makes us human. Our imperfections and our flaws.

Where To Start

Coming face-to-face with our shortcomings and weaknesses is not pleasant. It is humbling and we can experiene guilt or shame or how we have treated others. The first step is awareness and hopefully we have achieved that together through this post. The second step can be apologizing to those we have hurt or offended, as difficult as that may be. And the third step is to change and make some adjustments going forward.

It would be good practice for all of us to pause and examine our intentions before speaking about others. Some questions you can ask yourself when you feel the temptation to talk about someone in the future could be:

1. Will this serve them?

2. Will this serve me? Be honest!
   

3. How would I feel if I found out someone was talking about me like this?

4. Does this uplift them, encourage them, show kindness, or bring peace?

5. Is this showing love?

If you answer no to any of the above, don't say it. Instead, say something positive about someone and choose love.

In closing, I want to say thank you to my friend who was willing to let me use her stories as examples of what I see happening and how it can affect others. I hope this post has made you ponder your own experiences and how your own actions can both negatively and positively have an impact on those around you. I want to say thank you to all of you who take the time to read my posts as well, I pour my heart and soul into each one and it means the world to know they are being read by each and every one of you. My prayer is still that even one person could feel less alone through the experiences and research I share. This is my passion and I love having an outlet for the thoughts and feelings on my mind and heart.